My life consists of series of lists. Dozens upon dozens of lists. Errand lists. Shopping lists. Homework lists. Lists of plays to read and monologues to develop. Lists of people to call or email. Hell, I even have an organized index of all the boys I’ve crushed on since the sixth grade. It is safe to admit that everything I do, plan to do, or have done is carefully organized on a Post-It note, in my planner/in a notebook, or in my phone.
As a deeply nostalgic human being, the documented records that organize things that have occurred in my past (such as the list of all the shows I’ve been cast in, the list of boys I’ve kissed, the list of past jobs I’ve had and etcetera) are lists I keep around but really have no real reason to glance at often, unless I have something new to add. Such records that contain old information are really nothing but sheer archives of events that have shaped me into who the “present” Rachel is.
My present lists hold little, if any, emotional value, but extreme value when it comes to achieving everyday tasks (examples include errand/to do lists, homework lists, grocery lists). These are the lists of things that keep me from every college student’s worst “oh $#!^! That 30 page World Theatre and Drama dramaturgy that was assigned at the beginning of this semester is due tomorrow?!?!?!?!” moments. They also keep me from going to Target to buy garbage bags and deodorant and walking out with a new dress, earrings and a 30 rack of beer…with no garbage bags or deodorant. Its more than necessary for me to keep such organized and detailed lists around, but I really could care less about them in the grand scheme of things, since they typically don’t affect my overall happiness.
Last, but most certainly not least, I have the log of things that I have yet to accomplish, but want to; naturally these can be identified as my future lists, which are basically just a bunch of bucket lists organized by their category, such as roles I want to play before I die (Amanda Wingfield from The Glass Menagerie, Eponine and/or Fantine from Les Miserables, and of course DOLLY LEVI DOLLY LEVI DOLLY LEVI SWEET BABY JESUS DOLLY LEVI FROM HELLO DOLLY), ordinary but still meaningful life experiences (get married, have children, purchase a home), and then totally and completely random things (meet Woody Allen/David Sedaris/Curtis Sittenfeld/etcetera, fly an airplane, bungee jump), and of course, places I want to visit before I die (um....everywhere?).
I’m not really sure why I deeply enjoy the action of creating an ordered line-by-line documentation of what I’ve done/need to do/want to do so much. Sometimes, they’re made out of convenience so I don’t forget anything important when it comes to grocery shopping or homework, and sometimes the feeling of adding something new creates a feeling of accomplishment. However, no feeling is quite as good as crossing off things on any of my future lists. Frankly, knocking things off of such a list of are easily the most satisfying things to complete, as it feels like I’ve achieved something that was all merely a hope or dream to me. In short, it’s like whatever I’ve achieved transforms into something real, even tangible, to me. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a completed itinerary that benefits my future, and for the past 6 months, I’ve been actively working at a to-do-present-to-future-that-will-turn-into-a-past-agenda-list hybrid that contains everything I need to do to be prepared when I go overseas.
Ever since I can remember, I’ve never quite ever been totally comfortable with where I am. Now, don’t get me wrong, I always make due and have an amazing time wherever I am, but there’s always just a piece of me that longs for something…else. Something different and unfamiliar. When I’m at the beach on a beautiful day, part of me would rather be working and making money, yet when I’m working I’d rather be at the beach on a beautiful day, and when I’m home in the suburbs I’d rather be in Valpo, yet when I’m in Valpo, I’d rather be in Chicago, and etcetera. I imagine that other people also experience this kind of longing, but sometimes I find that it consumes my mind. Over the past few years, how I spend my time has been an ongoing, ever-repeating cycle with little break from the rotation, and I’ve been feeling painfully suffocated by the day-to-day normalcy. About two years ago, I came across the exact word for what it is that causes me to constantly need to be exploring something new and seeing new and different things.
wanderlust, wan·der·lust
[won-der-luhst]
noun
a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.
I guess there was no inciting incident or magical moment when I decided to study abroad in college, but I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that this was something that I had to do for myself. A lot has happened in my life, let alone the past year/two years specifically, that just makes me feel like I need to be free from all of the superfluous nonsense that keeps on dragging me down here. While this study abroad experience won’t be my first trip to Europe, it’ll all still be a very new adventure. Lets be honest: I’m not really anything like what I was like in junior high, which was the last time I crossed the Atlantic. My jeans flooded reaaaaaaal badly and I hadn’t quite figured out how to control the frizzy mess of hair on my head. I was merely a child, and even though I remember having a wonderful time and I know I enjoyed every moment, at that age I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the complexity and beauty of being in a place not on North America. Also, I was never in Europe long enough to literally become immersed into a culture, and now, I’m lucky enough to get to experience that. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, I’m hoping that the spontaneity and grandeur of exploring Germany and the rest of Europe over the next four months will help me find myself in a way that being in my comfort zone of the United States never can, or ever could.
So. Here I sit on this August night in my room. I’m currently looking at my “TO DO BEFORE I LEAVE FOR EUROPE ON 8/20” list. Let’s see. Are my ticket, insurance card, passport and eurail pass packed? Check. Have I seen all the doctors I’ve needed to see and have I figured out all my diabetes stuff for the next 4 months? Check. Have I completed my absolutely incredible summer internship with Royal United Mortgage on the evening of 8/19, and given out all of my thank you cards to those that I was lucky enough to work with the last 3 months? Check. Have I said my goodbyes to my incredibly kind and generous family, supportive sorority sisters, and some of the greatest people I’ve met that I’m lucky to call my friends from all over? Check. Is my luggage is strategically stuffed and miraculously under 50 pounds? Well............barely, but check.
Finally at the bottom of this checklist that I’ve been knocking things off of since my acceptance into the program in February, in my familiar blue-inked, loopy handwriting, I’ve written: “Get on the plane and go”, and unlike the rest of tasks on the list, there is no check next to it.
So with that, I’m going to go downstairs and have a bowl of my mom’s homemade peach and blueberry cobbler, and look at photos from Europe when she studied abroad in 1981, then settle into my bed, watch Thank You For Smoking, and go to sleep. I then will awaken tomorrow morning, make sure I didn’t forget anything and be convinced that I forgot something until I recheck everything all of my luggage inventory roughly 8 times, arrive with my fellow R-92ers by 11:45AM, kiss my mother, stepfather and dog goodbye, check my luggage, momentarily hate my life as I go through security, board the plane, and leave ORD international, and Chicago, promptly behind at 2:45PM.
With the moment that the plane lifts off the runway and begins my travels overseas, my to-do list of mundane but necessary preparations will be completed and finalized, and my four month long adventure of learning more about the world, and myself, begins...
...and thus, a new to-do list begins as well. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment